God > Google

For as long as I can recall (even before I knew what it was) I battled hypochondria.

I remember as early as high-school (9th or 10th grade) I got sick in the hallway after I ran in gym (ironic how I hated running at that time!) and was accused of sneaking and drinking alcohol at lunch. That was the only explanation my administration could come up with! This boring straight-laced student who avoided all confrontation that would be out of step - and you're going to pick that explanation? That's the only one you could come up with!? Well, my reaction to that judgement and how I felt about my administration after that is another story for another time ...

Anyway, since I knew alcohol wasn't a factor, and since "that" was the most reasonable possibility they could give me, I started to think that if there was no other easy explanation, then there must be something wrong with me ... was I sick? Like ... sick sick?

On top of this and other situations, I was pretty analytical and structured to the point of being obsessive ... and these two things played hand in hand ...

... and I never talked to anybody about this, it was my little secret for probably one main reason; I felt like a freak. I remained in the dark, and it consumed me more and more ...

Heart palpitations, muscle spasms, headaches, bumps, twitches, aches, pains, I could literally name probably at least 50 symptoms over my life I've "researched" ... and don't get me wrong, I did the right thing, talked to my doctor, made sure all was fine, but just couldn't let it go ... my longest term struggle is I worry about having high-blood pressure so much that when I even see a machine I have a darn near panic attack ... have to take it at home in a relaxed environment to prove to myself that I'm not about to die, and even then it's been hard to truly relax ...

Yeah ... it's pretty neat ... not ... 

It really wasn't until I was already married that I started to open up about my struggles, seek help, and bit by bit I realized a few things ...

• I do have a current disease, it's called anxiety.
• I could get sick, but how about I not live like I'm sick until I actually get sick!
• Life, even with the anxiety, is beautiful and worth living every moment!
• God is real, and troubles here are not worth comparing to what is ahead.

So ... things are not what they used to be ... except my phobia of blood pressure machines lol ...

I'm not sure entirely why I'm even writing this, but perhaps someone else needs to read this today. Maybe someone else needs to realize that they are not alone. Maybe someone else needs to realize that there is a glorious hope ahead of them.

I'm smart enough to know I'm being illogical, but not smart enough to stop my wandering mind ... that's where God comes in ...

I have absolute hope and expectation that I will be redeemed from this one day. I pray for it often, and have seen redemption building. But the larger battle I now face is around guilt and shame. So much of my worry is self-focused that I have this recurring thought ...

          Why am I so selfish in my worries when there are others really struggling?

Well, first of all, I (or you) are 'really' struggling ... this is our struggle ...

But ... let's be honest ... it is selfish. We should not be ashamed, but we should bear our cross and keep turning our direction towards repentance. We are by nature sinful selfish people in desperate need of a Savior. So simply put, our focus needs to be changed from ourselves and our own troubles and brought back to God.

We need to turn to God, not Google.

And when we find our self wandering, we do not come back to Him with our head hung in shame. Rather if we lift our head as we make our way back to Him, we would realize He's coming toward us with a smile and open arms ...

The world will tell those that struggle with hypochondria to seek doctors, seek counseling, and then work on stress management, lifestyle changes, and let go.

This is not bad advice, in fact it's good advice; it's just not complete, and missing foundation.

Doctors and counselors are gifts from God and should be used; but He is the God of science, philosophy, and psychology. Letting go of things outside our control is needed, but we don't just let them fly in the air with no direction, we hand them to a real, living, and loving God that actually knows what is best. Managing our health and nutrition is important; but after all, these miraculous bodies were created for proper nutrition and health by an all knowing Creator to begin with.

I don't try to wave a magic wand and recite to myself that my problems don't exist. They do exist! The struggle is real! :)

However, God is just bigger than them ... and I just remind myself of that ...

So again, not sure exactly why I put this down in writing today as I'm sure I've expressed as much before. Perhaps it's because this past month has been a bit more challenging for me, perhaps expressing this helps to avoid internalizing, a nasty habit ...

... or perhaps God simply wanted someone to read this today to know ...

   You're not alone.
      God is real.
         God is good.
            God is trustworthy.
               Life is beautiful; even in the chaos.

' Turn away from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it.' - Psalms 34:14

It's a worthwhile pursuit ... His is the Light at the end of this struggle ...

His,
Matt