Going Back

Call it growing if you wish, but after a while of going in one direction, you just can’t go back …

I was pondering my faith today; where I’ve been, how I’ve grown, my victories, my failures, my doubts, my sins, my beliefs, my joys; just a lot of pondering. I wonder where I would be if I wouldn’t have first opened that Book, if my heart wasn’t softened to at least being open to the possibility of a creator, a Christ, His Word. I wondered about those little doubts that creep in when I’m reading these incredible stories; did that really happen? I begin to hear voices of critics in my head, some close to me, some imaginary, telling me that even if there was a heaven, that all paths lead to it. That this journey I’m on is a bit extreme, that ultimate Truth is not in Him, or His Word.

Some join me on this journey, some accept me for being on this journey, and some resent me, or at the least roll their eyes. I for one know I’m not on this journey blindly, that much is certain. I was a critic of anything extreme when it came to the Christian faith, and while I certainly seemed to always be open to a Creator, that’s about where it stopped. Science to me was counter to anything Christian; at least that’s where I was. However when I began to ask questions (not about the Christian faith, but about history, creation, science, etc. I began to find things missing). Some say people of faith are weak clutching onto something to give them comfort. Really? I was hardly weak, I was challenging everything I was taught to be true and finding different answers. Heck, forget me, do my brothers and sisters around the globe who are threatened daily because they profess Christ and risk their life to keep Him close seem weak? When I read stories in Scripture of these men and women of God, weak is not a word that comes to mind.

However I digress. This Sunday a friend and pastor said many things that resonated with me, and one in particular I was reminded of during my prayer and pondering was when he simply stated "I know too much to go back". How true that is. It was then that my pondering changed forms … I imagined going back …

I tried to imagine what that would be for me, it’s something I never really pondered. I imagined figuratively (or perhaps even literally) throwing out my Bibles, journals, ending prayer, worship, my church community, etc.

I literally about threw up.

I of course wasn’t considering this, but just trying to picture if I even could; if in fact I know too much to go back. The answer to that question is a resounding, yes! The God who rescued me from a course of destruction, my Counselor, my Leader, Someone with Whom I celebrate and grieve with, Someone with Whom is responsible and deserves all glory for anything in my life, my Source of joy, the One who has taken so much burden off me that I never even knew was there, the One that has showed me the joy in learning to be humble, the One who has bound my marriage into something absolutely incredible, the One who has given me the desire and passion to be a better dad each day, the One that makes me want to give up this garbage I contribute and be a better son, a better brother to my siblings, a better uncle, a better friend, a better Christian … the list can go on, and on.

I just know too much to go back … and what glorious knowledge it is!!! =)

~Matthew