Insomnia and David

For most of my life insomnia was not something I really struggled with. However last year, I struggled with this off and on for a few months. Sure I've had a struggle here and there - that late night espresso - those business trips that get me out of whack - but this was different. If you know me, you won't be surprised to hear it started with anxiety. I had a lot going on, a lot of changes, and most importantly, some sin in my life that needed to surface into the Light.

Looking back, I wouldn't trade those months for anything in the world. Going through that process shed things from my life that were weighing me down more than I realized. While incredibly physically difficult, it brought much needed healing, forgiveness, and growth.

I'm not trying to imply that if you struggle too, that it's related to something unsettled between you and God - but I'm not trying to imply it isn't either. Many things we go through are because we simply live in a broken world ... however He is sovereign over all, and if you feel the Holy Spirit is trying to use something, allow something, or say something, through these trials - then I won't stand in His way. Listen!

So anyway, am I now free from that? Sleeping well and catching the Z's? Well ... dramatically better, but not entirely. However I think that is because I'm still learning. I probably only had a handful of days in the last few months that I really struggled to sleep. You may think, "How incredible, I struggle more than that and don't even think I have insomnia!" True - but there's something else ... This trial rattled my cage so much that I found myself doing something ...

First let us read this ... (the king being spoken of here is King David):

'So the king said to Joab, the commander of the army, who was with him, "Go through all the tribes of Israel, from Dan to Beersheba, and number the people, that I may know the number of the people." But Joab said to the king, "May the Lord your God add to the people a hundred times as many as they are, while the eyes of my lord the king still see it, but why does my lord the king delight in this thing?" But the king's word prevailed against Joab and the commanders of the army. So Joab and the commanders of the army went out from the presence of the king to number the people of Israel. ' - 2 Samuel 24:2-4

As with many passages, it may be difficult for you to understand the faith, my God, and His character from a few sentences. However this was a sin - and later David begins to grieve over his sin. Why? Well, there is a lot going on here, and it goes back to an earlier law that actually restricted such census actions. The people were God's, not the king's - and if you ask me, the heart of this law was to keep trust in God, not man. The size of David's army was inconsequential - whether for pride or planning, it didn't matter.

So how does this all relate to me? After my struggle with insomnia I catch myself counting something too ... hours of sleep. Like God's law and David, this goes well beyond simply counting hours - it is what is at the root of my question. If I got good sleep, I would rejoice, feeling recharged for the day - if I did not get good sleep I would feel anxious, wonder how I would fair that day, and even waste time with thoughts and worry of the night to come!

However the more I trusted God through this process, He allowed me to experience joy, peace, laughter, and freedom from worry even after those virtually (and sometimes literal) sleepless nights. The more I experienced this, the more I would trust, and the more this struggle was lifted from me.

Do I still catch myself counting? Unfortunately yes ... but it's a reminder to me (which is why I wanted to journal this as well) to stop trusting in hours, and to trust in God. It may seem innocent at times, but the root is my anxiety and sin that it represents.

Maybe it's not hours for you ... maybe it's dollars, years until ____ , children, days clean, friends that have _____ , likes, followers, subscribers, the list can go on ...

Some of those things may not be sin in and of themselves, but how we use them, or worse yet, trust in in them over Him, can eat away at us like a spiritual cancer ...

Let us join together and stop counting ... except to count on Him ...

His,
~Matthew

Prayer Request: I don't wish to be free from insomnia, I wish to be free from anxiety. Ironically it is often my anxiety that draws me to Him, which has always been the blessing of this struggle - but it's my wish to go beyond that, and seek to always draw close to Him in all my days. However, His ways and thoughts are far beyond mine - and He continues to work in and through me - so I trust the process no matter where it leads! But I will still ask ... 

Praise: That I got 7 hours sleep! (just kidding) ;) ... I want to just praise God for peace during some trials yesterday (that may lead to another journal entry as I gather my thoughts). The trials are not over, but His peace and guidance is endless if I choose to cling to it ... may I remain strong in Him (I guess another prayer from the praise!)